Archive for ‘Bill Hicks’

26/04/2012

Quotes av Bill Hicks

Repost fra 2011:

“I loved when Bush came out and said, “We are losing the war against drugs.” You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

“You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You’ve all seen it:
“Today a young man on acid … thought he could fly … jumped out of a building … what a tragedy!”
What a dick. He’s an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don’t see geese lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground.
He’s an idiot. He’s dead. Good! We lost a moron? Fucking celebrate. There’s one less moron in the world.

“… We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you’re gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I’ll drive you to Kenny Rogers’ house.”

“I’ve noticed a certain anti-intellectualism going around this country; since about 1980, coincidentally enough. … I was in Nashville, Tennessee, and after the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not proud of it, but I was hungry. And I’m sitting there eating and reading a book. I don’t know anybody, I’m alone, so I’m reading a book.
The waitress comes over to me like, [gum smacking]What’chu readin’ for?
I had never been asked that. Not “What am I reading?”, but “What am I reading for?”
Goddangit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don’t end up being a fucking waffle waitress.”

“I don’t know what you all believe, and I don’t really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

“People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.”

“”God put [dinosaur fossils] here to test our faith!” … I think God put you here to test my faith, dude.”

“”I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God.”
And I say no, it’s not, Dad.
“Well, I believe that it is.”
Well, you know, some people believe they’re Napoleon. That’s fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don’t share them like they’re the truth.

“How many people, when you watched the LA riots on the news, were like me, watching the people getting hauled out of their cars and beaten half to death?
How many people were like me seeing this and thinking “Step on the fucking gas, man. They’re on foot, you’re in a truck … I think I see a way outta this.””

“There’s a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party.
People who hate people, come together!
“No!”
We’re kind of having trouble getting off the boards, you know. Come to our meeting!
“Are you gonna be there?”
Yeah.
“Then I ain’t fucking coming.”
But you’re our strongest member!
“Fuck you!”
That’s what I’m talking about, you asshole.
“Fuck off!”
Damn, we almost had a meeting going. It’s so hard to get my people together.”

I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately. I’ve been doubting my own existence.”

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. Fact! … I’ll prove it to you.
If you’re at a ball game or a concert and someone’s really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? 
[The crowd answers “Drunk.”]
 Wow! We all know the truth.”

“I quit smoking. It’s very hard, but I’m glad I did.
I’ll tell you, this war against drugs in the US is the reason I quit because I got too fuckin’ sick of being on the wrong side. The war against drugs, which actually is a war against civil rights, don’t ever be fooled again.
If they cared about us they’d get rid of the number one drug which is cigarettes; kills more people than crack, coke, and heroin combined, times 100. Legal.”

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29/05/2011

28.05.2011

Sukker’s skravleforum kan brukes til så mangt

“Noen ( lege) som kan svare meg ?
Siste svar lør 28 mai 23:02 (30 svar) Skjult ID med pseudonym Vondt
Har over en liten periode nå hatt noen smerter helt nederst på venstre side i magen.
Smertene kan beskrives som stikkende, og er ikke så sterke. Men kjenner likevel at det “stikker”.
Fikk det første gang for ca 3 uker siden. Vedvarte da i ca 2 dager før det forsvant. Nå er det kommet tilbake.

Hva kan dette være ?”
– Jeg lurer på hvordan man er koblet i huet, når man tenker “Jeg har vondt og vil søke legehjelp, så jeg spør på et nettdatingforum!”

En fyr på Nettdating har sendt standardbrev til X antall kvinner:

“Her er jeg.
Jeg er ikke så tjukk, Men er brei.
Jobber og sliter borte på anlegg i 12 dager, Men i de 9 dagene jeg har fri, kan jeg være din.
Hvis du har lest hele haikerens guide til galaxsen…
Alle bøkene..
Forstod du alle sammen?
Sier du ja,
så vet jeg du juger.
Men sier du at du så poengene. Da liker jeg deg….Kanskje.
utover det, så er koppen halvfull.”
– Ikke bare failer han når to kvinner får samme melding, og forteller hverandre om det. Klarte han ikke å idet minste skrive en mer vettug melding, når han skal bruke den som standardmelding??

Flere quotes fra Bill Hicks:

“I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. “Hey, buddy!” “Hey, what?” “Ummmmmmm….” End of argument.”

“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”

“I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That’s faith in action folks! You know he’s got God on his side.”

“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you’d be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.”

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say, “Yeah? When?””

“Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. “Oh come on, Bill, they’re the New Kids, don’t pick on them, they’re so good and they’re so clean cut and they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don’t care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!”

“Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that’s their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm… Sounds like…every commercial on television, doesn’t it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I’m not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that’s the connection they’re trying to make.”

“I dunno how much AIDS scares y’all, but I got a theory: the day they come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot cure, on that day there’s gonna be fucking in the streets, man.”

“By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I’m just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they’ll take root. I don’t know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there’s no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan’s little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You’re the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. “There’s gonna be a joke coming…” There’s no fucking joke coming, you are Satan’s spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it’s the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.”

“If the FBI’s motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?”

Sitater fra en fyr som jobber i reisebyrå i USA:

“A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!”

“A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!””

Winston Churhill quotes:

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

“The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.”

“The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.”

“This paper by its very length defends itself against the risk of being read.”

“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.”

“This is Winston Churchill speaking. If you have a microphone in my room it is a waste of time. I do not talk in my sleep.”